Again...

Seems ages since I wrote anything and the way I feel right now, this sure can't be a happy entry.

It's almost midnight. I had been trying to catch some sleep for quite a while now. After a lot of tossing and turning and being at unrest for no apparent reason, I am finally out of the bed and in front of my computer and keying this in.

The world is silent around me except for the sound of the rain lashing the leaves of the trees outside. The noise, no I can't call it music given my frame of mind right now, the noise reminds me that it has been raining incessantly since last night. My mind has no respite. It has been running around, hopping from one flash in the past to another. I have been wandering like a ghost it seems, reeling in the days already gone by and with nothing in front of me to wait for and look forward to.

I guess my blood is coagulating. It's been some time now that it has developed a mind of its own and has started working its own glacial pace and refuses to trickle down from my veins to the ground. Couple of weeks ago, I bought some very high quality drawing sheets, the kind I had always wanted to buy and paint on ever since the days when I used to hold a painting brush more often than my toothbrush. Somehow, I have not been able to even open those sheets and spread them on my table, let alone run a line or paint a curve on them.

The smoke inside me no longer chokes my lungs. I have adjusted myself to live with my eyes shut. The blindfold does not rake a commotion inside me anymore.

Each day passes just like the other. Every morning I give myself another lease, somehow manage to motivate myself to get out of the bed and find a purpose for my being. Every day I try to find a path breaking solution to the same problem. Every day I plan to see another sunset. Every day I hope that it would end differently. Every day I fail myself.

Maybe somewhere along the corner is a night that won't see the day. Maybe I am actually plodding on waiting for that night to fall. The sleep still eludes me. My head still refuses to call it a day and throw in my towel. I walk on to live another story, tell another lie, break my mould and crush my heart again....

Again, a day ends in a silent tear. Again I crave for the time that will never return. Again I call you from my wet window sill.

Again I look towards the starless sky. Again I feel my heart wrench. Again I forget my face. Again....I miss myself.