Judgment Day !!

I am the silent observer to my life. The days are passing by and I can just stand and watch them go. No two moments are alike and yet it is impossible right now for me to distinguish one day, week, month or year from the other. Last couple of years have just whizzed by without leaving any mark except on my face in form of a couple of added wrinkles and grays on my head.

It seems that there is nothing left to do and somehow it makes no difference if life were to end right away or go on indefinitely forever. The mundane routine has set me in stone. It is difficult to bend, move or even consider fluid notions. The head is a rock and I have shoulders of sand.

It has been some time since it drizzled. The barren land scorches and open cracks do not shelter or house anything. The mirror does not recognize me anymore. Maybe I have said this before, maybe I am experiencing déjà vu. I don’t know. Maybe I have been like this – distant and forlorn since a lifetime now. Who cares?

There’s a thin line between dreams and reality and I guess I have been on the borderline way too long for my liking now. Schizophrenia – one is tempted to argue; I still don’t know. The days flow into dreams and the nights stall at the jutting edges and spires of reality and this reality again is hushed by all what is dark and lifeless. I toss and turn and lumber my way through the night – yet again.

I am the zombie of my past life – disconnected with what is around, crumbling to pieces for mere existence, and yet refusing to rest in peace. I don’t know if I have a choice or am I just supposed to continue carrying the load on my head for all times to come. Tethered by a chain no longer than my limbs I wish, I was nailed to a cross. Flayed by my spirit and urged to soar, two parallel worlds hold me down and dust fills my lungs every time I raise my head. I wish I was a mortal and not a time traveler caught between different lives.

The enlightenment is not what one thinks it is. The path to salvation is paved with listless dreams and lifeless hopes. If it were to mean forgoing all sense of taste and sensitivity to desires, severing one’s tongue would have been the easiest of options. Interest is lost over time and the tedium of living in the same body propels the search for illumination. Reclusion is just a side effect not a seed for truth.

Truth itself is contradictory. It nourishes on the blood of perceptions and devours the carcass of reference frames. What you ultimately hear is a contorted version of your truth and my truth. Truth in its absolute form is much like smoke, without a form or attribute to it but beautiful and mesmerizing to look at, if you have the eye for it. What is bare, naked and ugly is truth stemming out of conceived and often abhorred hereditary traits passed one from one living parasite to the other.

I guess my truth can wait. It can wait another lifetime, maybe more. Maybe it still needs to travel a couple of other universes, a few more unraveling light years before it finds the eyes to see and appreciate it.

I guess until then, I shall keep changing my garb, get a new skin maybe or find new dust to mix in. Till that time maybe you can sit and wait by the door; maybe, light a wick or two for me to find you in the dark or choose to hold my hand and share my grave. Maybe we can burst out from the ground as tiny pods of a vine, our beings entangled in the open sun for rains to soak us. I shall let the wind carry my words to your lips and sky to bear witness to all what I promise you.

And together we shall wait so, till my judgment day - our judgment day.