The Elusive Life

I spent whatever time I had on my flight thinking about if life at all made any sense. I have been playing along the way things have come my way, often drifting with the stream in the direction it wanted me to. Things have been generally good otherwise and I have no real reasons to complain but still it seems that a larger portion of my being is now empty and the resulting vacuum won't just go away.

One of my friends who I confided in, advised me that I should be concentrating on my work and should be devising more ways to make more money at this juncture in life. I am no longer the carefree youth (I wonder if I ever was) and still some years away from being a dreary and sad old man (wonder what gives him that idea) and that it won't be long before I go senile and eccentric (as if I am not already). Overall it sounds like a good school of thought and I would have agreed without fail and followed his word, but then there is something which burns inside that doesn't let me be a complete machine succumbed to a standard time table in life.

I guess the rebel in me is now transformed to a silent conspirator planning and scheduling things sitting in a dungeon and is longer the hot blooded extremist who would pull out a sword and run into a shower of arrows. However, this conspirator is more dangerous than the adventure seeker and does not allow me to settle down as a dignified loser. The fire flares up at times and lets out thick and dark smoke which though propels the blades of random endeavors but also blackens the walls of my being. I end up moving a step or two forward and choking on my own breath.

Maybe this ordeal shall end soon and I shall lose the remaining urge to do something with myself and my life. Maybe I shall soon accept the defeat and will go down as a humbled aged champion. I don't really know when will that be and whether I shall get to know when it happens but it shall happen for sure. Time spares none and before one realizes it the sand slips through the fingers.

I lost the last 15 years planning to do something big. Perhaps I shall lose the next few analyzing what I could have done differently. It's a sad thought - this and maybe I shall not really like it when my daughter grows up and realizes that what a waste I had been. The worst thing is that I still don't know what standards to set or what else to expect from life as such. The meaning and the purpose still eludes me. Perhaps I should consider myself an achiever if I can inculcate enough wisdom in my child to take lesson from how I let go and if she could do something path breaking to feel content at the end of the day.

Don't really know if at all I would be able to do that. I break another stanza; I end another day and add another wrinkle.