Am I the Voice in my Head!!!

Why was I born as the person I am and not you? Would I have the same life if I had been born in another part of the country or maybe another continent ? How different it would have been if I was born on a different date - a few years older or a few years younger? Would we have met then? Why were you there at precisely the same time I was?

Who is this who talks to me all the time in my head? The exclusive voice that I keep hearing in my head? Is it me or am I just another connection in the network?

What shapes me – my being? Am I the face that reflects in the mirror or the name people know me as? I am into a certain job working on a specific domain, did I actually choose it or did it just happen to me? Are the decisions I make, actually mine?

People have called me different names in last thirty odd years and my face and body has seen tremendous changes. I guess I have lived in 3 or 4 different bodies as of now. I was the joyous child that ran about, the young lad with a nervous step, an adult with the confidence to take on the world and a more sedate and mature man in his prime who would and could no longer scale walls at will. I have been all this and none of these. From the innocent child to a raging young gun to a greedy gluttonous pig, I passed all these phases with equal ease, not pausing at any.

The voice in my head interprets what my eyes see, my ears hear and what my tongue touches. The five senses are capable to make a distinction between the good and the bad. However, the voice in my head helps me distinguish the ‘bad’ from the ‘evil’ and the ‘evil’ from the ‘ugly’. It’s a fine line and is not easy to understand. You know what is bad for you, but you don’t always know when can you be evil and when it turns devil-ugly.

The voice laughs with me. It fills the hollow in my voice when I am in company. My blithe unconcern goes hand in hand with my curious admiration, yet I can’t pinpoint which of the two is more me. I still look around with flowers at wonder and pass on the modern marvels of technology with a nonchalant dismissal.

I am dissuaded by the people and the yarns around trivial things. It’s come to a point where I look for means and ways to run away. I guess being cold to ties and emotions is liberating. I walk around unperturbed, devoid of an emotional association or anger. My dissociation builds up and I soar free again. The nomad in me gains strength. I no longer feel the urge to talk or be talked to. Silence is familiar, comforting. It brings me back to myself. I can hear myself more clearly. The voice in my head booms crisp, no longer muffled by my environment.

I walk on…seeking silence outside and hearing the music inside…for now.