One needs to find the right distance between people. Too close and they overwhelm you, too far and they abandon you.
- Hanif Kureishi
People in a relationship often appear closer than they are.
This illusion of propinquity leads to false hopes, unrealistic expectations and a misconstrued intimacy. It is only when you step back, you see a landscape that was rendered invisible because you were standing too close before. The blur caused by nearness leads to impaired emotional vision. It takes years to realize that the other person in the relationship is not standing exactly where you believed him or her to be.
I am glad that today happened. The fact that you did not fail to disappoint me, restored my faith in my ability to read you. Today, reaffirmed my belief, that we will never find a denominator to level and bind us together.
It was inevitable, really. I could see it coming for weeks now. We had gotten so close lately that we’d begun stepping on each other’s throat way too often. It was just a matter of time before someone’s spine cracked. The truth is, I am not even sad about the whole thing anymore. I think it was amusing to finally realize how my own shadow eclipsed the platform that I stood on and blinded me from seeing how low my ground had been all this while.
I am sure everyone makes this mistake sometime in their life. The folly of misinterpreting signals isn’t new. Perhaps I was just self-absorbed to not read the signs in time. I didn’t realize what lay beneath the surface until I broke down the wall, one brick at a time and discovered that behind the veil of a formal nicety, there existed an ugly face of indifference that sprung up only once the shadows were lifted.
No matter how many conversations we engage in now, there will always be a thin line of silence and an unspoken word that will keep us apart. We will always remain a finger distant from the perfect hug, a breath short for a perfect kiss and a wink away from the perfect dream. I now know, that this was just a mirage and that we had been chasing a golden deer that never was real in the first place.
Our voyage may not end here but I am certain that we will never find land again. It doesn’t matter either because a search is meaningful only till the time, that what you are searching for, is valuable to you. I end my quest now and will just while my time, sipping on my rum, sitting on the deck watching an odd albatross perch up on the sail every now and then.
Of course, this would only be until I run out of patience and my poison. Then, I will call you on the deck and with you as my witness, will throw myself off the boat into the open arms of the sea.