Anhedonia

Anhedonia, noun:  “The loss of interest and enjoyment in all activities that you once liked; the feeling of not caring anymore”

If only I needed a term to explain my current phase, this is it.

When you are young, you pin your dreams, hopes and aspirations upon the clear, vast, board of the blue skies. You look towards heaven, waiting for it to deliver a masterstroke of destiny and send all what you ever desired, gift wrapped on a platter. As years go by, you realize all that the clouds deliver, is monotony of rain. Water spewed over mankind, holding the privileged to ransom and drowning the less fortunate. Year after year, the water continues to wash the colors of your palette, fading your soul a few hues lighter, till one day you stop looking at it altogether.

Ever felt like your head was made of lead and that some day it will just roll off like a bowling ball, down your shoulders and into a drain. I wish I could just take off my skin and hang it on a nail in the wall and iron it smooth the next day and wear again. The days trickle away from a leaking faucet on a sink, into a drain.

Sleep feels like an itchy sweater. I scrape, toss and turn only to find myself emptier than before. The hollow inside forces its way out and blankets everything. I wish I could throw my head back and let it engulf me but no matter how tired it makes me, I end up staring at the blank ceiling till dawn. The voices in my head no longer comfort me. They now sound like being played through a thick glass door and all I hear is a muffled mumble.

There was a time, not long ago, when the patches on the wall would mock me, enough to make me find energy to plaster and paint them every now and then. I now sit bolted in my chair staring at them all day and let them coexist under the same roof, much like an inmate befriending an unwanted rodent in his prison cell. Someday these walls will crumble under their own weight and bury me in a heap of patterns and shapes that they flaunt on their tattered bosoms.

“You need to get out more, see more, do more.” I am told.
“Why?” I ask and there is no answer.

Others will perhaps never understand how blessed it feels to be empowered with a vision to see through the futility of all the humdrum around you. Lying flat on my back and with my head resting on still water, I float at will. I am not losing my mind, not sinking into some abyss. I have just no inclination to use my arms as oars anymore.

Maybe someday, if I find the right shade of blue in my box of crayons, I will color the sky and draw clouds again. I will fill a bright green color into the leaves of a paper tree and draw a sparkling red lady bug under it and will again look forward to sit under the perfect shade of that tree but today, is not that day.

For now, I am not seduced by the flaming shades of orange in the setting Sun anymore, not inspired by the music in the lark that sings, not moved by the tears you shed, not tormented by the heart that beats.

Anhedonia, take me away for now …and forever, if you can.