So yesterday I crossed over to a different realm altogether – the third decade of my life. Not that it has changed me in any way. I am still as stubborn as I was on the 364th day of being 29 years and as thick in the head as on the other parts. Nonetheless, it felt strangely different.
Not that I have very high hopes from the years to come, yet somewhere deep within, the realization that there are only a very few things that are changeable now has left me insipid and largely bland. No matter how I try and convince myself that I still have the potential to transform life around me and be what I want; the sublime thoughts disperse at the drop of a hat.
I am nowhere near where I ever wanted to be and even farther apart from the person I was 10 years ago. I am still dreamy and idealistic at times but no longer romantic, effervescent or illogically hopeful. The scars have healed over time and the stories they tell are milder and less woeful now.
My search has yielded me losses that are incomprehensible and immeasurable. I now fake principles, I believed in once. I have learnt how to connect with people at the cost of being able connect with myself. Honesty is just another garb for being shrewd, another reason for being able to deceive, just another coat for Mr. Hyde. The prowess of creation is a tiring and exhausting quest now wherein the passion is fast lost as perspiration during the long tread. The fire in my veins is slowly being ebbed away by black brews of espresso which I keep pouring in my blood stream all day long to keep me on my feet.
I guess I can still go on like this for another 5 years or so. After which I guess reinventing myself, would become a vital necessity for existence, failing which it would only be wiser to stash this lost mass of my being to a corner where I no longer have a use for myself or to maybe pack myself up in the trunk where I have my other indispensable goods locked in – things which I have carried on storing for past several years; cards, memorabilia from previous relations, letters from previous lives and other nick-knacks which I still don’t have a heart to throw away and yet have never opened them or looked at them for last 12 – 15 years.
Maybe I shall meet that someone from past again some day at some cross road of life. Maybe I shall still be able to recognize him as myself, smile at him, shake hands and go out for a drink for a golden evening.
Maybe....
1 comments :
Here’s wishing you a very happy 30th birthday.
As I inch towards the dreaded three zero, I realize that there is nothing REALLY happy about turning 30 :)…to begin with, after 30, a body has a mind of its own.
Suddenly you become a part of the “uncle-aunty” camp…..family n friends who till yesterday introduced their children to you as..”beta Bhaiyya ko hello bolo”….now insist “Beta uncle ko Namaste karo”….the journey from bhaiyya to uncle is swiftly traversed in a single day….a part of us just refuses to let go of the 364th day of being 29 years old….the transition is inevitable unless ofcourse we get hit by a meteor just before the clock strikes 12.
But hey all is not as gloomy as it looks…..Chin up Boy !!! Birthdays are good for you. Statistics bear testimony to the fact that people who’ve had the most birthdays live the longest :)
For me old age is always 10 years older than I am…so I am not growing old anytime soon. Frankly speaking I am a big proponent of the fact that women deserve to have more than 5 years between the ages of twenty five and thirty.
One of my favorite teacher used to tell me that age is a high price to pay for maturity.……going by that account, I am still paying steeply and not getting the requisite return on my investments :)... I believe inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened, I am sure ure thinking the same even as you read this.
Growing old is like being incrementally castigated for a crime that you have not committed.…..Isn’t that unfair? But we always have the option of stalling the aging process…as they say you can be young only once, but you can be immature for a lifetime !...so lets all act like delinquent juveniles and be merry :)
But why am I wasting your time by mentioning the obvious…You lady magnet with your debonair charms have girls falling all over…haggling for a piece of you :) (guys I am being paid an obscene amount of money by the author to pen this) ..you will never grow old
As Uncle Mark Twain (yeah we are family) once famously said, “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter”, so my dear friend lets not segment our life , behavior ,attitude and outlook towards things in general and people in particular, on the sheer basis of an event which has an uncanny regularity of occurring every year- THE BIRTHDAY !!!
Life is a series of connected and often disconnected events strung together by one common thread-You.
If you look back, you would be amazed to find that you have been a significant part of all the events that together make up your life…its like watching a 262800 hour (30*365*24) movie where your are playing the lead…isn’t that soo reassuring !!!!
I do reckon that turning 30 is a milestone in one’s life…for that matter 10,20,30,40…all the decade birthdays are important…each ten years of a person’s life has its own fortunes, its own hopes, its own desires, expectations…and its own disappointments and regrets.
On a more serious note, sooner or later we all realize that age is just a number….surprisingly most of the cherished memories in life are not the advertised or the anticipated ones, not the birthdays, weddings, anniversaries….the real moments are far less alluring and way too enamoring …meeting that special someone in the elevator, stealing a fleeting glimpse of your parents dancing…all very unique experiences etched in our memory for eternity, nonetheless occurring on any ordinary day…these moments come to the door of our memory unannounced just like a stray dog that strolls in uninvited, sniffs around a bit and simply never leaves. Our life is measured by this assorted collection of occurrences which never fail to bring a smile on the lips and a tear in the eye…
Getting old ain't for sissies….Happy Birthday !!!
Hovering eye
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