Time to Stop? Maybe…

This blog used to be a reflection of how I often saw myself - not very long ago. It now shoots a flare once in a blue moon. I guess I have become a little more callous and a little more thick in the head. Ideas don’t come to me as they used to earlier. I can’t let my fingers find their own space on the keyboard and no longer I feel the urge to key in every random thought that is born in my head.

Maybe I am getting old, maybe more mentally than physically. Ever since I started writing, I never had too many people visiting these pages, hardly any readership or any followers here. People who have been following my posts are the ones I know anyway and they have all been very supportive – sometimes more than I expected. But then, the idea was never to hunt goodwill or win hearts but just to seek a vent and give a space to all randomness that blanketed everything in my head at irregular interval. I have had my share of writer’s block before but in recent times this whole exercise of keying in how and what I feel about certain things (and which is abstract most of the times) seems tiring. I have been repeating myself way too often and I guess have reached a point where I am beginning to bore myself.

Perhaps, I have stopped growing both as a person and as a thinker and have confined myself to the marginal consciousness that is all that remains when you bury yourself to the rigors of earning a livelihood and stop having those little conversations with yourself. Maybe the realization finally dawns upon me that I shall die as a nobody much like millions and billions others inhabiting this planet and that I see the futility of it all – perhaps the existence itself.

I guess I should have stuck with the blue pill. The red pill, I chose is a path that I feel incapacitated to walk now. The flesh on me rots – little every day and my head loses its edge. The blades are a little rusty and my wings all tattered. The fat slob refuses to leave me and my lips are chapped with all the glue that I use daily to paste a smile.

I have tried dropping various different anchors now but I guess my boat shall still wander off and eventually sink down with its dead weight. Maybe I should just walk away and find myself a new clerical face and forget that I existed. I guess I am in my own twilight zone caught between darkness and light, between life and death. In fact, I am all lost and do not even recall what time of the day it is and what follows next – the day or the night.

Its more like the static picture where you can’t tell if it is a sunrise or a sunset. Just hoping that I would know soon – just as I know about the picture below that I shot from my balcony.