Liberi, Liberi…

True freedom can only exist in one’s mind. In your head, you are free to be the king of the world, rule the human race, have absolute ruthless power to consume all what you desire. You can soar the skies, run on oceans and devour fire if you please, in the closed confinement of your head. The moment you let these thoughts out of your mouth, you run the risk of being judged by pieces of your environment.

I had read somewhere that freedom is nothing but the ability to take decisions without an external influence and be able to act upon those decisions. However, the caveat to this definition is that we all are influenced,  one way or the other, by our environments. This environment includes our families, people we know and deal with, our social obligations, the rules at work place, the laws of the land, our own reference frames and ideals we decide to live by. Absolute freedom is impossible without absolute isolation.

We are all stuck between trying to be our own self and what others perceive us to be. Gradually, over time we pile more and more relationships on our beings thereby reducing the share of who we are by the same fraction. The truth is we are never completely ‘just us’. We are always trying to justify ourselves to be worthy children, worthy friends, worthy spouses and later worthy parents. In the process, the life slips from the fingers and by the time we wake up to this realization, we are reduced to a mushy pulp, unable to stand for ourselves.

Our prisons, like our sentences, are special. There are no iron bars or concrete cells or watchdogs and guards lining us into cages, yet our days are numbered and our moments counted. We are answerable without any existent code of conduct, tied to a tether that lies in our head, much like our freedom.

If I could, I would liberate you and take you away. The price that you have been paying all this time for putting up a smile for others is far too high. Maybe someday the blindfold will go away and you will see that the people you have been killing yourself for had abandoned you years ago and they no longer care if you live or die. I know you see it too and I know you have your own reasons and I will not contest them. 

We are all captives of time, confounded and warped between its gears and in the process rendered useless by the fetters of our own thoughts. I wish I was, but I am no exception. I have made mistakes and I have faltered. There are things for which I will continue to suffer, for rest of what is left of my sentence. The true liberation will perhaps never be my destiny. Let me confess this to you today that all those laurels and my achievements are deceptive. They led me to believe something that I am not, that I never was. Maybe, as I say this I belie your faith in me and come across as a lesser man. I can’t help it. I have already spent a fortune trying to get myself a new skin and have been rendered broke. I will not tell you stories of hope and courage or try and cheer you up. I guess from here on, we both will have to carve our own path forward.

I will pause here, exhale and write ‘freedom’ again in the sand and will then watch it being washed by the waves. Cry all you want, you will never exhaust the salt in your eyes and the ocean will not stop you from adding to its salinity. When the waves recede, the slate will be clean again and another day, another week will be struck off and we will wake up tomorrow with new resentments, new agonies and fresher lashes on our souls.

Try and get some rest and any morsel that you can manage tonight. It’s a long night before the day breaks…