Inamorata…

The days are just stop gap pauses, time to exhale. What I need is more, more access to the unknown, opening locks to the doors lost deeper within. I started the journey feeling awkward, unsure. As the time passed I learnt how to work through my shortcomings. My talent was limited, my possibilities fewer but I swam on conning others and often myself in the process.

I reached out to you and you were a ghost I chased through the years breaking and burning myself in the process. I crumbled to dust a hundred times before I learnt how to use that to my advantage. I was hideous than ever, learning to be the dust and swim with the wind moving where it took me and then riding another gust back. Yes, I picked up specks on my ride. They added to the grain on me, scratched my eyes and made my vision fuzzy and my thoughts clearer at the same time.

And then one day, I knew I had crossed the bridge. I had reached where life would never be the same again. I devoured the first morsel, biting and drooling at every bit like a rabid canine and then when I had quenched my thirst for blood, I felt a repulsive disdain for the leftovers. I had fallen enough but I wanted to see where this new jump into the abyss would take me. Gravity failed me and I devolved from being a sinner to being a damned in no time. Maybe I had gobbled it up a little too fast and my insides cringed. My fire burnt bright and huge but it turned to cinders twice as fast too.

Time isn’t a luxury I have anymore. My slumber had lasted more than a decade and this new acid in me took away the last couple of years in a flash. I know I have to straighten up some time, get my act together again and pull out while there is still some stash left. I need to exhume myself and buy myself a better casket and maybe some ground too where they won’t leave my epitaph blank. But somewhere along the line I keep getting pulled back into my pit. I guess over time now, my shoulders have gone weak and I don’t have enough strength left in me to carry both of us out of here. Maybe I should just leave you here, stand tall, escape and then if you are still breathing, pull you out as well.

Probably you don’t realize it as yet but I have got your ensemble on fire too. I am sorry but I can’t hold back a cynical smile thinking that you would burn with me till eternity too. I am sure you didn’t realize it way back then when my feet still had the spring and I was still alive, when you chose to shun me and pushed me into my self consuming black hole. I guess it’s a fair price to pay, isn’t it?

Let’s burn a while then, smoke this joint and inhale the vapors of our bones…one whiff at a time. I am sure you will enjoy it as much as I do for are you not my ally in this game, my muse, my inspiration…my inamorata.