I do not know if I changed at all through these years or if I have grown up to be a totally different person from what I was a decade ago but what I know for sure, is that I am no longer distressed about my place and position in life and no longer fretting about not reaching my true potential. I guess, with time I learnt to compromise between what I wished for and what I needed. The flame within, is now fueled only to provide the necessary heat and is no longer reared to propel me to a higher realm.
I have become more vocal about putting my needs forward and do not feel compelled to sugar coat my words anymore. I have learnt that a bitter truth is better than a sweetened lie and am open about my choices, likes and dislikes – be it food, clothes or people. I may not have acquired any significant new skills and age may have slowed me down a bit physically, but I am grateful that I feel no degeneration of the mind, yet.
I admit to have become a little complacent and lazy in my dealing with people. I have been let down by some close friends and hence, I no longer feel obligated to help them offload the episodes of their miserable lives on me. I have learnt that I can’t keep carrying people on my back only to find no one around to help me get back up, when I stumble. I would rather sip on my drink alone, sitting on my porch, watching a sunset than be in a crowd and struggling to find a voice in drumbeat music.
This should be a good phase, I’d read somewhere. It is perhaps the high point before you slide or spiral downwards with age and time. I may not have too much to look forward to right now, but I hope I can keep myself in the game and enjoy all I can without a fuss.
The following lines from Sudershan Fakir spring to my mind…
अब मोहब्बत न वफ़ा और न याराने हैं
पहले वक्तों के शायद कोई अफ़साने हैं
ग़म मोहब्बत के बढ़े आते हैं मेरी जानिब
कोई रोके न इन्हें, ये मेरे दीवाने हैं
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